Dumb Joke for Monday, December 5, 2011

Posted: December 5th, 2011 | Author: Nick | Filed under: Writing | No Comments »

I can’t get up in the morning without my Coffee. Coffee is the name of the man I hired to wake me up every morning. Also, he makes me my coffee, which I need to wake up. That’s why I started calling him Coffee. And also because he has a really bad cough.

Dumb Joke for Friday, December 2, 2011

Posted: December 2nd, 2011 | Author: Nick | Filed under: Writing | 1 Comment »

I think even worse than the gift of the Magi might be the gift of the Magic Eye. Especially if you sold your eyes to buy it.

Batman

Posted: August 6th, 2010 | Author: Nick | Filed under: Writing | Tags: Batman, Christopher Nolan, Riddler, Superman | No Comments »

Jericho and Andy had another chat at work.

…

Andy: I have a problem

None other than Batman, the Dark Knight himself, has broken into our building and is killing people. I’m scared that he’s going to kill me.

Jericho: Quickly–you need to prepare an elaborate set of theme-based traps and puzzles to stop the spree.

Andy: ok – I have also taken the additional step of calling 411 and finding superman

Jericho: you’re solving a problem with a hand made out of razorblades!

Besides, I thought you were working at a villain temp agency…

Andy: work is work, I’m not a monster

(although I sometimes work for monsters)

Jericho: I’m…actually quite proud of you for leaving your work in the office. I just wanted you to know that, if we never have the chance to speak again.

Andy: that means a lot to -AACCCKKKKKKKKKKKKA

Jericho, this is Batman, I have commandeered this computer

You are next

Jericho: How do I know it’s you? Normally Batman TALKS LIKE THIS.

Andy: I am just Bruce Wayne right now

Jericho: Thank God, Mr. Wayne!I have a problem

None other than Batman, the Dark Knight himself, has broken into our building and is killing people. I’m scared that he’s going to kill me.

Andy: Don’t worry young man – I will handily dispatch the bat.

I have a checkbook that fires money at things

Jericho: heh

Midnight Society @ Comic-Con

Posted: July 26th, 2010 | Author: Nick | Filed under: Writing | Tags: cinemaster, comic-con, stan lee | No Comments »

Lance and I were at Comic-Con this weekend.

At Comic-con. Accidentally took Stan Lee’s sack lunch. Hope no one finds out. #comicconJuly 23, 2010 6:38 pm via Echofonregularkarate

At #comiccon. Played a prank on Stan Lee about 30 mins ago. Switched his sack lunch with a flaming bag of dog poo. Don’t think he noticed.July 23, 2010 7:03 pm via webNickJRamirez
Nick Ramirez

Decided to eat this lunch I stole from Stan Lee. Hope I absorb his powers. #comicconJuly 23, 2010 7:20 pm via Echofonregularkarate

Some nerd in a homemade “Cinemaster” shirt stole the flaming dog poo and is actually eating it. His beard is literally on fire. #comicconJuly 23, 2010 7:47 pm via webNickJRamirez
Nick Ramirez

So it’s been about an hour since I ate Stan Lee’s lunch and let’s just say I smell awful and my beard is gone. His power will soon be mine.July 23, 2010 9:35 pm via Echofonregularkarate

Now Cinemaster guy is trying to shoot eye lazers. Weird thing is, they seem to work. He just mowed through a mob of storm troopers #comicconJuly 23, 2010 10:11 pm via webNickJRamirez
Nick Ramirez

Testing out my powers, I just fought eight batmans. None of them real. Moving onto spidermans. #comicconJuly 23, 2010 11:22 pm via Echofonregularkarate

These Power Ranger costumes my 5 friends and I made are the hit of #comiccon. Oh no, Cinemaster is coming toward us with lazer eyes! Help mJuly 24, 2010 12:26 am via EchofonNickJRamirez
Nick Ramirez

Relaxing after wiping out five power rangers (the originals?). Let the sixth live to warn all the Darth Vaders. #comicconJuly 24, 2010 1:32 am via Echofonregularkarate

That Cinemaster dweeb just ruined 5 of the Power Rangers costumes I made. Oh, and he killed 5 of my friends. What a dweeb. #comicconJuly 24, 2010 1:56 am via EchofonNickJRamirez
Nick Ramirez

That sixth Power Ranger is hanging out with Stan Lee, if he tells him that I stole his sack lunch, I’ll totally splooge. #comicconJuly 24, 2010 2:37 am via Echofonregularkarate

Just pitched a Cinemaster comic/movie to @TheRealStanLee. He’s eating it up. About to close on a deal in the high six figures. #comicconJuly 24, 2010 3:37 am via EchofonNickJRamirez
Nick Ramirez

I never thought about it, but my recent acquisition of super powers would make a good comic book. I should talk to Stan Lee. #comicconJuly 24, 2010 3:51 am via Echofonregularkarate

Just woke up in a San Diego ditch. I think Stan Lee beat me up and stole my Cinemaster script. All in all, still a fun #comiccon4 minutes ago via webNickJRamirez
Nick Ramirez

Grandpa Excellency

Posted: July 23rd, 2010 | Author: Andy | Filed under: Writing | Tags: fellatio, gmail, grandpa | No Comments »

Jericho and I (Andy) had an interesting conversation recently.

…

1:04 PM me: I don’t want to leave

1:11 PM Jericho: You don’t have to go. I’ll do it myself.

1:15 PM me: You will adopt me?

1:16 PM Jericho: Your parents…my son should have never put you on the auction block.

1:17 PM me: They told me I was a slave and I believed them

1:18 PM …maybe I am.

1:19 PM Jericho: This $500 bill says you’re a bought and paid-for free grandson.

1:21 PM me: How may I serve thee, my liege?

Would you like a shoe shine or perhaps a nice sliced fruit

1:22 PM and if its gratification you’re after, my dad trained me in multiple techniques

1:25 PM Jericho: Of course not! You’re free. Just give me an hj!

me: right away, your excellency

1:26 PM Jericho: How about you just call me Grandpa Excellency?

1:31 PM me: whatever you say Grandpa Excellency. Wow, Grandpa Excellency, have you been working out? You have a huge C

1:43 PM Jericho: I dragged my freakishly large C through 2 world wars. That’s why I have so many purple hearts.

1:56 PM me: I will worship you and your purple hearts all my days

1:59 PM Jericho: Whoop. That’s the business. Now wash your hands and let’s get some lunch!

2:04 PM me: can I have a toy

I was given nothing by my parents

2:10 PM Jericho: Only the best for numbah one grand-ah son.

2:14 PM me: Grandpa, can I ask you a question?

2:15 PM Will my C ever be as big as yours?

2:18 PM Jericho: Yes. Someday you’ll have a C to be proud of. Keep eating your happy meals.

me: I love you Grandpa

2:19 PM Jericho: I love you, too, grandson.

Mr. President

Posted: July 22nd, 2010 | Author: Nick | Filed under: Writing | Tags: affair, murder, president, sex | No Comments »

Every now and then, Andy and I will start chatting during work.

…

2:34 PM Andrew: Mr. President?

2:35 PM me: yes, what is it, i’m very busy

2:37 PM Andrew: Do you think I look pretty in this?

I’m seeing a movie tonight with my man

2:38 PM me: oh for christ’s sake

2:39 PM there’s a war going on, dammit

there won’t be any movies for you to see tomorrow

Andrew: You are being such a worry wort. Just tell me what you think of this blouse, OK?

2:41 PM me: oh fine, just let me turn around

oh my god

you look absolutely beautiful

2:42 PM Andrew: oh. oh, Mr President, I’m blushing!!

me: i’ve been so caught up in this world war that i haven’t even realized i’m in love with you

Andrew: in love with me? wow, just think: the president in love with little old me

2:43 PM me: please, don’t ever stop talking, i now live to hear your voice

tell me, what is this movie you’re planning to see?

2:45 PM Andrew: It’s a classic film, Casablanca. One of my favorites. I used to watch it as a little girl.

Terry loves it too.

2:47 PM me: terry? oh yes, terry

excuse me dear, would you mind opening the window?

Andrew: he’s kinda cute and all, but – he’s not exactly the president of the united states, is he?

oh, not at all

a beautiful day if I do say so myself

2:48 PM me: thank you, now i may jump out of it and plunge to my death

Andrew: WHAT?!? Mr president, no!

me: damn this country, damn this war, if i can’t have you, i can’t live

Andrew: All we have to do is wait for Terry to break up with me

2:49 PM me: break up with you? why would anyone ever break up with you?

Andrew: I’ll start with not putting out

or at least not as often

me: yes, yes, withhold your most previous asset

here’s what you should do:

call the president of norh kora

2:50 PM tell him you’ve found the man that started the war

and then tell him it’s terry

and tell him i said so, too

and then tell him you’ll give him terry to do whatever he likes

and then give him terry

Andrew: OK, but I should warn you, Terry doesn’t like Asian people

2:51 PM he’s actually quite a racist individual

me: that’s ok, that will only make them kill him more

now go, go my lovely!

quickly, we haven’t much time!

for i am about to splooge!

Andrew: I will act with haste, my love

2:52 PM me: and would that i could splooge inside you

Andrew: save it my darling

2:53 PM me: i shall, despite the fact that i’ve heard that’s unhealthy

Andrew: OK I just got off the phone with Terry and he’s working in the shed so he had to go. Oh, Mr President, I don’t know what to do!!

2:55 PM Oh wait you told me to call the leader of North Korea

me: yes, the president of north kora

2:58 PM Andrew: OK I just talked to him and he is fucking pissed

he apologizes to you for this giant misunderstanding

Terry is now dead.

2:59 PM Welp, looks like I’m all dressed up with no place to go

3:00 PM me: i grow tired of you, leave me to my scrabble

Andrew: MR – Mr President!!!

3:01 PM You jerk, you promised to splooge in me!

me: i’m beginning to see why terry left you

Andrew: you said you were in love with me

and I solved your little war problem by having the love of my life killed!

3:02 PM me: what do you want, a medal?

Andrew: actually that would be nice

me: well fine, i’ll arange for you to receive a medal

Andrew: what are you doing tonight, Mr. P?

3:03 PM me: i have a hot date with angie the receptionist

she’s got a killer bod

Andrew: you bastard

I will go to the press and say you sexually assaulted me

3:04 PM me: who are they going to believe? you, a woman? or me, the president of the united states who just ended the war?

3:05 PM Andrew: I suppose you’re right. Well I guess I’ll go tend to Terry’s funeral. Let me know if you need be to buy a bouquet to give to angie

3:06 PM me: shut the door on your way out

(sigh) how can i tell her i really love her?

Andrew: you’re the boss Mr P