Nick: Yes, Mr. President. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.
Andy: See that it doesn’t.
Nick: Now that i’ve got your attention
Andy: You seem to be in a big hurry Mr…?
Nick: In a hurry? Sure I’m in a hurry.
Andy: I was elected as “the calm president.” And I don’t need you or anyone else tarnishing that image
Nick: I’m in a hurry to show you how you can trim hours off of your daily routine.
Andy: Trim hours? Impossible. Out of my way, my boy.
Nick: Sure, I’ll move over, let me just- oops! I spilled this bag of dirt all over your carpet! Why, you’ll have to spend hours getting those tough stains out of the carpet, right?
Andy: Jesus H Christ, kid! I’ve got a press conference in 2 minutes!
Nick: And you wouldn’t want the press to see these stains. What would they think?
Andy: …I suppose we couldn’t have that. I’ll just call the cleaning crew.
Nick: No need, Mr. President!Luckily, two minutes is more than enough time to clean any stain with the Roto-Ultra-StainPlus-Vacuum!You just do what you do best: Stay calm! I’ll get out the vacuum here..
Andy: They’ll brand me the dirty president. Even more dirty than our unlikely last president, the unlikely dog president who dug around all the time, Jonesy.
Nick: Yes, Jonesy, probably left many a mess on this very carpet!
Nick: Roto ULTRA-StainPlus, Mr. President! Why, when was the last time these carpets got a good thorough cleaning?
Andy: You know, that ‘s a very good question. Probably not since the days of Jonesy
Nick: Let me just attach this attachment here… Well, it’s a good thing I bumped into you when I did! This place is in dire need of a good cleaning, and I’ve got the just the thing for it.Let me just plug this in here…
Andy: [to his advisor] I’m busy, Gerald. No time to prepare for the press conference!
Nick: Now, Mr. President, you’ve got a large house. On average, how much of your week is spent vacuuming?
Andy: Wow, um. I suppose 40 hours a week, give or take.
Nick: And you work from home, is that right?
Andy: That is correct
Nick: Now what if I were to tell you that the Roto-Ultra-StainPlus is powerful enough to clean up industrial office stains, yet gentle enough to work as a primary home vacuum?
Andy: Geez, I’d probably say, you’re full of hot air!!
Andy: Press Coordinator: 10 seconds Mr. President
Nick: Well it’s true, Mr. President! No longer will you have to invest precious time, money and space in maintaining a work vacuum and a home vacuum.
Andy: I must say that would take a load off.
Nick: It sure would! Now let’s get back to this dirt I spilled on the carpet. It’s been there for at least 2 minutes. It’s probably set in pretty well, wouldn’t you say so?
Andy: Definitely. That dirt’s not coming out. Can you excuse me for a moment?
Nick: Of course, Mr. President, let me just get out of the- OOPS!I spilled wine all over the dirt!
Andy: God dammit I’m doing a press conference!! It’s starting.
Andy: [walks up to podium]
Nick: No matter Mr. President!
Andy: Ladies and gentlemen, It’s a pleasure to be with you to talk about health care today.
Nick: I’ll start up this vacuum cleaner, and the stain will be gone by the time you’re done!
Andy: SHUT UP VACUUM DUDE But right now, there’s something
Nick: Let me just switch this on…
Nick: YOU HEAR THAT MOTOR?
Andy: I WANT HEALTH CARE TO BE AVAILABLE TO ALL AMERICANS. I VOW TO UNDO THE FRANKLY ILLOGICAL POLICIES OF THE DOG PRESIDENT.
Nick: THAT MOTOR SOUND YOU HEAR MEANS THAT THE VACUUM IS DOING IT’S JOB! WHOO BOY! LOOK AT THAT MUD GO!
Andy: I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!
Nick: YOU KNOW, ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT THE ROTO-ULTRA-STAINPLUS IS THE TRANSPARENT COVER! THAT MEANS YOU CAN SEE THE DIRT AND GRIME GO STRAIGHT FROM THE FLOOR, RIGHT INTO THE BAG!
Andy: [President runs over to Vacuum guy and starts punching him]
Andy: I’M SORRY EVERYONE
Nick: LET ME TURN THIS THING OFF..
Andy: DONT AIM THAT THING AT MEEE!OWWWWWWWWWW!
Nick: THIS BRINGS UP AN INTERESTING POINT- YOU SEE THOSE BLOOD STAINS THAT ARE HITTING THE CARPET?
Nick: WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THE ROTO-ULTRA-STAINPLUS COULD CLEAN UP THOSE BLOOD STAINS?
Andy: THat would BE
Andy: [The suction makes the president EXPLODE]
Nick: Advisor: Oh no! What are we going to do?
Andy: Reporters: Gasp!
Nick: Don’t worry. I was prepared for this.
Nick: [vacuum guy takes to the podium]
Andy: You just killed the president!!
Nick: My fellow Americans. With all the economic strife in this country due to our last president, Jonesie the dog, wouldn’t it be great if we had something we could believe in?
Andy: Fuckin A!
Andy: This guy’s alright
Nick: The Roto-Ultra-StainPlus can pick up any stains on your carpet. And that’s coming from a regular Joe- Not some Washington Insider like Jonesie the Dog.So what do you say, guys?
Jericho and I text-improvised this over gchat. Enjoy!
Andy: eat SHIT
Jericho: hey now. What the hell?
Andy: Your kids put a condom on my tailpipe
real fuckin funny
where are they
Jericho: They’re back over at your house
Andy: more condoms?
Jericho: They love the old cincinatti popper
Andy: You’re encouraging them????
Jericho: Boys will be boys, right?
The next day…
Jericho: KNOCK KNOCK
Andy: Who is it? I’m trying to sleep
Jericho: It’s your old pal: EAT SHIT!
Your kids were the ones who fucked up my car
now please leave
Jericho: Ok. We’ll go. Thanks for leaving your garage door open
Your little bastard trolls are with you?
GET OUT OF MY GARAGE
Jericho: yeah. they’re out there. in your bushes. They’re done with your car. again.
Andy: I’ll be right back. Stay here shithead.
JOLLY RANCHERS?!?!? Oh fucking great! How am I going to get these off the fucking windows??
Jericho: Have a great Halloween, SHIT DICK!
Andy: You’re the shit dick. I’m going to get you. BIGTIME.
Jericho: I think you fucking love it. Why would you keep leaving the door open?
Andy: You know as well as I do my wife has become very large and can only enter through the garage door. And I’ll thank your kids to stop calling her a beached whale.
Jericho: kids FATTYFATTY FAT-FAT
Andy: That is very hurtful to my comically large wife. She is crying in her sewing room.
Jericho: That’s what she was blubbering about. Sorry. Also, thanks for leaving the sewing room door open.
Andy: stop SPRAYPAINTING HER!! I’m so sorry Carolyn. That shit is TOXIC!!
Jericho: CAROLYN LIKES CAAAANDY
Andy: Oh my God, they’re painting her like a giant candy corn!!Stop it or I will fucking kill one of your kids every night until they do
Jericho: Kids! Stop it! Kids! KIDS! Fuck. They’ve gone off the deep end. We’ve got to go inside. Weather the storm until they get tired!
Andy: Are you telling Andy they’re out of control?!?
Jericho: THEY WERE NEVER IN CONTROL!!!
Andy: they’re eating her!!!
Jericho: Get inside the fucking HOUSE damnit!
Jericho: YUM YUM GET ME SOME. CANDYCORNYCAROLYN. PUT HER IN MY TUM TUM.
Andy: I’m taking matters into my own hands Peter
[grabs and loads shotgun]
I can’t say this won’t be a pleasure
Jericho: You’ll just make them…angry… SHIT DICK’S WIFE WAS SO YUM. NOW THE SHIT DICK GOES IN MY TUM!
It’s NOT WORKING
Jericho: You dumb sonofabitch!
What have you done?!?!?
Andy: They’ve gotten more powerful somehow!!!!
Jericho: THEY’RE EATING THE LEAD!
Andy: get this kid off of my pants!!!
Andy: get in the car!!
Jericho: [fumbles with jolly rancher covered door latch] Comeoncomeoncomeon!
START THE CAR! DAAAAAADY. DAAAAAADY. DAAAAADY.
Andy: [they get in and SLAM the doors. The car REVS into reverse, but not before a Condom expands and explodes, scaring both of them]
You encouraged them you piece of shit!
Jericho: It’s a great joke!
Andy: [I put the car in gear - one of the kids is standing in the way]
Andy: Say goodnight, Timmy!
Jericho: My baby…
Andy: [CU: FLOORS it]
Jericho: My sweet little hero…!
Andy: [Timmy EXPLODES into green and brown goo as the station wagon tears through him]
Jericho: oh god!
Andy: [turns on windshield wipers]
Jericho: I have to tell you something! It’s about my kids.
Andy: WHY ARE THEY MONSTERS?!?!?
Jericho: I….found them.
Andy: Where? The fucking planet Mars??!?
Jericho: The desert. Sedona. I was hiking alone. A meteor…I…they were inside.
Andy: what the FUCK
[notices house in rearview mirror - it's pulsing a greenish power field]
What have you done, Peter?
Jericho: I wanted to…HELP them. Show them what it was like to be human. I wanted to be a…daddy.
Andy: Also my beautiful wife is gone
Well, I say beautiful, but, you know…
Jericho: YEah. big as a fucking rhino.
Andy: Now our whole neighborhood is in danger because you wanted to play daddy to some fucking comet creepers?!?
Jericho: At least I HAVE kids. How long have you been shooting blanks into Sheila?!
Andy: Whoa whoa whoa. How did you know about that?
Jericho: She told EVERYONE. She was always dropping it, so casual. Especially around the guys.
Andy: She told me she wasn’t allowed at the bar re: her size
Jericho: The side door. Old garage. She was there every day. Jesus. You never knew?!
Andy: No she said she was going to Curves
Oh well, no harm no foul
Jericho: She paid for her drinks with blowjobs.
Andy: That fucking whore
oh well, we’ve got bigger fish to fry
[a giant green EXPLOSION illuminates the night sky]
Jericho: My kids say that she was delicious.
They’re sending me her taste.
Andy: you’re one…of them
get AWAY from my pants
Jericho: …yes. They gave me the gift.
Nom. NOM. OMNOMNOMNOMN
Andy: Peter, you don’t have to do this….
Jericho: I…it’s so hard to resist. Trying….!
Andy: [covertly opens sun roof]
Peter, you love your family. You have a great job. Peter…
Jericho: Yes. of course. My babies. [Stares off into space]
Andy: He’s too far gone…
[Driving really fast on a lonely highway, I notice the railing on the right side of the car]
Jericho: My ba…ba…ooooooooooh IIIIIIIM A COMET CREEEPER
Andy: Goodbye Peter
The car takes a SHARP TURN into the railing
Part of the rail IMPALES Peter just as he tries to eat my dick
Jericho: [swells and pops, splashing green and brown goo all over the interior]
Andy: The car stops.
Jericho: [Over his shoulder, the night sky is littered with fire trails. Other Meteors crashing to earth.]
Andy: pretend these ICBMs are Meteors
Check out Nick and Lance from Midnight Society, along with Mac and David from Mascot Wedding and Stag, in their new sketch show, Hot Property in Development Hell. Every Saturday in June, except for the last Saturday, at 8:30PM at ColdTowne Theater.
I can’t get up in the morning without my Coffee. Coffee is the name of the man I hired to wake me up every morning. Also, he makes me my coffee, which I need to wake up. That’s why I started calling him Coffee. And also because he has a really bad cough.
Midnight Society is making their return to sketch comedy! We’ll be performing at the 2011 AUSTIN SKETCH FEST at 8PM on Saturday, May 28 at the Spiderhouse Ballroom with Chicago’s fantastic Saddle Dads. How fantastic are Saddle Dads? Why not go to their website and find out. You can buy tickets for the show right here.
Also, Midnight Society’s Andy Petruzzo will be performing in the very first show of Sketch Fest at ColdTowne Theater with The P! Company! Tickets for that one are right here. The P! Company have personally promised me they will be debuting episode 2 of their smash hit web series, Fuck My Roommate, so that will be a show you don’t want to miss.
Oh and also also, Andy will also be performing the role of “sidekick” on a special sketch fest edition of The Night Show with Josh Krilov. Tickets for that Thursday 11PM show can be purchased right here.
More Austin Sketch Fest information can be found here. It’s going to be a fantastic weekend with sketch troupes from all around the country! Also, there are parties!