Posted: August 6th, 2010 | Author: Nick | Filed under: Writing | Tags: Batman, Christopher Nolan, Riddler, Superman | No Comments »
Jericho and Andy had another chat at work.
…
Andy: I have a problem
None other than Batman, the Dark Knight himself, has broken into our building and is killing people. I’m scared that he’s going to kill me.
Jericho: Quickly–you need to prepare an elaborate set of theme-based traps and puzzles to stop the spree.
Andy: ok – I have also taken the additional step of calling 411 and finding superman
Jericho: you’re solving a problem with a hand made out of razorblades!
Besides, I thought you were working at a villain temp agency…
Andy: work is work, I’m not a monster
(although I sometimes work for monsters)
Jericho: I’m…actually quite proud of you for leaving your work in the office. I just wanted you to know that, if we never have the chance to speak again.
Andy: that means a lot to -AACCCKKKKKKKKKKKKA
Jericho, this is Batman, I have commandeered this computer
You are next
Jericho: How do I know it’s you? Normally Batman TALKS LIKE THIS.
Andy: I am just Bruce Wayne right now
Jericho: Thank God, Mr. Wayne!I have a problem
None other than Batman, the Dark Knight himself, has broken into our building and is killing people. I’m scared that he’s going to kill me.
Andy: Don’t worry young man – I will handily dispatch the bat.
I have a checkbook that fires money at things
Jericho: heh
Posted: July 23rd, 2010 | Author: Andy | Filed under: Writing | Tags: fellatio, gmail, grandpa | No Comments »
Jericho and I (Andy) had an interesting conversation recently.
…
1:04 PM me: I don’t want to leave
1:11 PM Jericho: You don’t have to go. I’ll do it myself.
1:15 PM me: You will adopt me?
1:16 PM Jericho: Your parents…my son should have never put you on the auction block.
1:17 PM me: They told me I was a slave and I believed them
1:18 PM …maybe I am.
1:19 PM Jericho: This $500 bill says you’re a bought and paid-for free grandson.
1:21 PM me: How may I serve thee, my liege?
Would you like a shoe shine or perhaps a nice sliced fruit
1:22 PM and if its gratification you’re after, my dad trained me in multiple techniques
1:25 PM Jericho: Of course not! You’re free. Just give me an hj!
me: right away, your excellency
1:26 PM Jericho: How about you just call me Grandpa Excellency?
1:31 PM me: whatever you say Grandpa Excellency. Wow, Grandpa Excellency, have you been working out? You have a huge C
1:43 PM Jericho: I dragged my freakishly large C through 2 world wars. That’s why I have so many purple hearts.
1:56 PM me: I will worship you and your purple hearts all my days
1:59 PM Jericho: Whoop. That’s the business. Now wash your hands and let’s get some lunch!
2:04 PM me: can I have a toy
I was given nothing by my parents
2:10 PM Jericho: Only the best for numbah one grand-ah son.
2:14 PM me: Grandpa, can I ask you a question?
2:15 PM Will my C ever be as big as yours?
2:18 PM Jericho: Yes. Someday you’ll have a C to be proud of. Keep eating your happy meals.
me: I love you Grandpa
2:19 PM Jericho: I love you, too, grandson.
Posted: July 22nd, 2010 | Author: Nick | Filed under: Writing | Tags: affair, murder, president, sex | No Comments »
Every now and then, Andy and I will start chatting during work.
…
2:34 PM Andrew: Mr. President?
2:35 PM me: yes, what is it, i’m very busy
2:37 PM Andrew: Do you think I look pretty in this?
I’m seeing a movie tonight with my man
2:38 PM me: oh for christ’s sake
2:39 PM there’s a war going on, dammit
there won’t be any movies for you to see tomorrow
Andrew: You are being such a worry wort. Just tell me what you think of this blouse, OK?
2:41 PM me: oh fine, just let me turn around
oh my god
you look absolutely beautiful
2:42 PM Andrew: oh. oh, Mr President, I’m blushing!!
me: i’ve been so caught up in this world war that i haven’t even realized i’m in love with you
Andrew: in love with me? wow, just think: the president in love with little old me
2:43 PM me: please, don’t ever stop talking, i now live to hear your voice
tell me, what is this movie you’re planning to see?
2:45 PM Andrew: It’s a classic film, Casablanca. One of my favorites. I used to watch it as a little girl.
Terry loves it too.
2:47 PM me: terry? oh yes, terry
excuse me dear, would you mind opening the window?
Andrew: he’s kinda cute and all, but – he’s not exactly the president of the united states, is he?
oh, not at all
a beautiful day if I do say so myself
2:48 PM me: thank you, now i may jump out of it and plunge to my death
Andrew: WHAT?!? Mr president, no!
me: damn this country, damn this war, if i can’t have you, i can’t live
Andrew: All we have to do is wait for Terry to break up with me
2:49 PM me: break up with you? why would anyone ever break up with you?
Andrew: I’ll start with not putting out
or at least not as often
me: yes, yes, withhold your most previous asset
here’s what you should do:
call the president of norh kora
2:50 PM tell him you’ve found the man that started the war
and then tell him it’s terry
and tell him i said so, too
and then tell him you’ll give him terry to do whatever he likes
and then give him terry
Andrew: OK, but I should warn you, Terry doesn’t like Asian people
2:51 PM he’s actually quite a racist individual
me: that’s ok, that will only make them kill him more
now go, go my lovely!
quickly, we haven’t much time!
for i am about to splooge!
Andrew: I will act with haste, my love
2:52 PM me: and would that i could splooge inside you
Andrew: save it my darling
2:53 PM me: i shall, despite the fact that i’ve heard that’s unhealthy
Andrew: OK I just got off the phone with Terry and he’s working in the shed so he had to go. Oh, Mr President, I don’t know what to do!!
2:55 PM Oh wait you told me to call the leader of North Korea
me: yes, the president of north kora
2:58 PM Andrew: OK I just talked to him and he is fucking pissed
he apologizes to you for this giant misunderstanding
Terry is now dead.
2:59 PM Welp, looks like I’m all dressed up with no place to go 
3:00 PM me: i grow tired of you, leave me to my scrabble
Andrew: MR – Mr President!!!
3:01 PM You jerk, you promised to splooge in me!
me: i’m beginning to see why terry left you
Andrew: you said you were in love with me
and I solved your little war problem by having the love of my life killed!
3:02 PM me: what do you want, a medal?
Andrew: actually that would be nice
me: well fine, i’ll arange for you to receive a medal
Andrew: what are you doing tonight, Mr. P?
3:03 PM me: i have a hot date with angie the receptionist
she’s got a killer bod
Andrew: you bastard
I will go to the press and say you sexually assaulted me
3:04 PM me: who are they going to believe? you, a woman? or me, the president of the united states who just ended the war?
3:05 PM Andrew: I suppose you’re right. Well I guess I’ll go tend to Terry’s funeral. Let me know if you need be to buy a bouquet to give to angie
3:06 PM me: shut the door on your way out
(sigh) how can i tell her i really love her?
Andrew: you’re the boss Mr P 
2:34 PM Andrew: Mr. President?
2:35 PM me: yes, what is it, i’m very busy
2:37 PM Andrew: Do you think I look pretty in this?
I’m seeing a movie tonight with my man
2:38 PM me: oh for christ’s sake
2:39 PM there’s a war going on, dammit
there won’t be any movies for you to see tomorrow
Andrew: You are being such a worry wort. Just tell me what you think of this blouse, OK?
2:41 PM me: oh fine, just let me turn around
oh my god
you look absolutely beautiful
2:42 PM Andrew: oh. oh, Mr President, I’m blushing!!
me: i’ve been so caught up in this world war that i haven’t even realized i’m in love with you
Andrew: in love with me? wow, just think: the president in love with little old me
2:43 PM me: please, don’t ever stop talking, i now live to hear your voice
tell me, what is this movie you’re planning to see?
2:45 PM Andrew: It’s a classic film, Casablanca. One of my favorites. I used to watch it as a little girl.
Terry loves it too.
2:47 PM me: terry? oh yes, terry
excuse me dear, would you mind opening the window?
Andrew: he’s kinda cute and all, but – he’s not exactly the president of the united states, is he?
oh, not at all
a beautiful day if I do say so myself
2:48 PM me: thank you, now i may jump out of it and plunge to my death
Andrew: WHAT?!? Mr president, no!
me: damn this country, damn this war, if i can’t have you, i can’t live
Andrew: All we have to do is wait for Terry to break up with me
I’ll start with not putting out
2:49 PM me: break up with you? why would anyone ever break up with you?
Andrew: or at least not as often
me: yes, yes, withhold your most previous asset
here’s what you should do:
call the president of norh kora
2:50 PM tell him you’ve found the man that started the war
and then tell him it’s terry
and tell him i said so, too
and then tell him you’ll give him terry to do whatever he likes
and then give him terry
Andrew: OK, but I should warn you, Terry doesn’t like Asian people
2:51 PM he’s actually quite a racist individual
me: that’s ok, that will only make them kill him more
now go, go my lovely!
quickly, we haven’t much time!
for i am about to splooge!
Andrew: I will act with haste, my love
2:52 PM me: and would that i could splooge inside you
Andrew: save it my darling
2:53 PM me: i shall, despite the fact that i’ve heard that’s unhealthy
Andrew: OK I just got off the phone with Terry and he’s working in the shed so he had to go. Oh, Mr President, I don’t know what to do!!
2:55 PM Oh wait you told me to call the leader of North Korea
me: yes, the president of north kora
2:58 PM Andrew: OK I just talked to him and he is fucking pissed
he apologizes to you for this giant misunderstanding
Terry is now dead.
2:59 PM Welp, looks like I’m all dressed up with no place to go
3:00 PM me: i grow tired of you, leave me to my scrabble
Andrew: MR – Mr President!!!
3:01 PM You jerk, you promised to splooge in me!
me: i’m beginning to see why terry left you
Andrew: you said you were in love with me
and I solved your little war problem by having the love of my life killed!
3:02 PM me: what do you want, a medal?
Andrew: actually that would be nice
me: well fine, i’ll arange for you to receive a medal
Andrew: what are you doing tonight, Mr. P?
3:03 PM me: i have a hot date with angie the receptionist
she’s got a killer bod
Andrew: you bastard
I will go to the press and say you sexually assaulted me
3:04 PM me: who are they going to believe? you, a woman? or me, the president of the united states who just ended the war?
3:05 PM Andrew: I suppose you’re right. Well I guess I’ll go tend to Terry’s funeral. Let me know if you need be to buy a bouquet to give to angie
3:06 PM me: shut the door on your way out
sigh how can i tell her i really love her?
Andrew: you’re the boss Mr P
regularkarate
NickJRamirez